KANSAS CITY -- Kevin Pillar probably wishes we weren't having this conversation, meeting in the dugout the day before he takes the field as a Blue Jay once again for Home Run Derby X. The event, a modified three-on-three, co-ed home run derby, features women's baseball and softball superstars lining up alongside some former MLB greats. He's back in Kansas City to represent the Blue Jays as he takes on representatives from the 2015 World Series-winning Royals team and the 2015 NL pennant-winning Mets.
If Pillar had it his way, he'd still be on the Rangers, that "former MLB player" tag still a ways off in the future.
"The day that I got released and I got on that plane," Pillar told MLB.com, "I called my wife, I called my parents, my brother, my agent. I think I knew in my heart of hearts, it was over for me. I ran the race as long as I could."
Though he had contemplated retirement at the end of last season, the outfielder who has never seen a fly ball he didn't have a good shot at tracking down decided to give the game one more chance this season. He signed a Minor League deal with the Rangers and made the club out of Spring Training. He was penciled into center field on Opening Day, going 2-for-3 with two singles, a run scored and an RBI. Unfortunately, after 20 games, Pillar's numbers had dipped, his average a few ticks over the Mendoza line. When the Rangers released him, Pillar chose to call it a career.
"Part of the reason I went back when I thought I was done last year is I still wanted to play," Pillar said. "I still loved it, and I was fortunate to make the team, play in the city that I wanted to play in, where I live now. Wanted to be a part of the Rangers organization, and unfortunately, it just didn't work out."
Now, he's in Kansas City, back in a Blue Jays jersey, asked to relive the 2015 postseason for the Kauffman Stadium faithful eager to see the former Royals like Mike Moustakas and Lorenzo Cain hopefully win again.
"It feels good to have this uniform on," Pillar said about his Blue Jays kit. "It's been a long time. It feels kind of fitting, now that my career is over, to put the uniform on where it all started. To be back on a big league field is a little bit strange, to be honest with you."
Few are the players who get to choose when to call it a career, being feted by the rest of the league as they take one more glorious tour across Major League ballparks. For most players, their careers end with a phone call or a discussion in the manager or general manager's office. In some ways, it can be compared to a breakup with a significant other: There were plenty of happy memories, sure, but in the end, only heartbreak. Many players take a few years before they're able to return to the game that they loved and had devoted 100 percent of their energy to for decades.
Pillar has only had a few months.
"When it first happened, when I got released, obviously, [I felt] some sadness, some shock, some bitterness," Pillar said. "Decisions had to be made. Was I going to go home? Was I going to continue to stay in baseball shape? Was I going to wait for the phone to ring? How long was I going to wait for the phone to ring? But fortunately for me, I felt like I had been considering it for a long time. I feel like I left nothing on the table."
It's why he looks at this chance to play HRDX, to get on the field again and swing for the fences, as a way to add some closure to his big league career.
"You realize you take a lot of things for granted when you play in the big leagues for a long time, one of which is getting to come to an amazing stadium like this. Perfect grass, perfect infield, hit big league BP in a stadium, run around in the outfield with your friends and your boys and get to watch all the best players in baseball play," Pillar said. "You get immune to it a little bit. And then when you get away from it, you realize, 'Damn, I had it pretty good.' I'm just happy to be back and maybe I can close that chapter in my life officially, and maybe look forward to doing more events like this."
Pillar was never supposed to be a Major Leaguer. He attended California State University, Dominguez Hills, a Division II college in Southern California. Though he set the DII record with a 54-game hitting streak, scouts still weren't convinced. The Blue Jays didn't call his name until the 32nd round -- one which doesn't even exist in the MLB Draft any longer.
"The things that I'm most proud of is, first of all, that I made it," Pillar said. "I was drafted in the 32nd round, I was the 979th overall pick. I played at a Division II school. The fact that I even made it was an accomplishment. The fact that I survived 10 years and I'm part of that small fraternity is an amazing accomplishment."
Nine hundred and seventy-eight players were taken in front of Pillar and yet few could match what he did on the field. He's 11th in bWAR from that Draft, a class which featured Mookie Betts and Francisco Lindor. He's one of just seven players from that year to record 100 steals and hit 100 home runs.
Despite all those numbers, even Pillar's parents didn't necessarily believe they had a Major League son when he was coming up.
"You ask my parents, maybe they would even tell you, 'We didn't expect him to get there,'" Pillar said. "I didn't really expect to get there. I always believed it could happen. What kid at, you know, 5, 6, 7, even into like high school, doesn't dream of being a Major League Baseball player? But that wasn't really my destiny. Since I was born, I did it through hard work and perseverance and things like that."
It helped that Pillar was a baseball fan, spending his evenings as a child listening to Vin Scully call Dodgers games.
"Vin Scully talked to me in my household. Growing up, he made me love baseball," Pillar said. "He was part of the reason I felt like I could be a Major League Baseball player, because he would talk about the Major League Baseball players like they were no different than me."
He thrilled to hear Scully share the backgrounds of the players from around the league. Pillar let himself dream just a little bit more when it was someone who resembled himself, whether it was their background, style of play, or that they were the size and weight of an otherwise mortal person playing on a field with legends.
"There was always a part of me that he made believe that I could do it because of the way he talked about baseball players," Pillar said. "It was kids that grew up in a household just like mine, played high school baseball just like I did, had other interests and hobbies. It never left me, being a fan, because I don't think I was ever really expected to get to where I got to."
He's still a fan, still tuning in to watch baseball -- even if Scully isn't behind the mic anymore. (Unfortunately, Scully had quit traveling when the Dodgers first came to Toronto, so Pillar never got to hear Scully call his name in a broadcast.) Pillar watches a little differently now, trying to watch just as a fan instead of trying to put himself into the moment.
"When I was a current player, I'd go home and flip through the channels. Whether I was watching highlights, or I'd turn on a game, I'd always process it like I was a player, like if I was in the batter's box or that ball got in the gap, what was my responsibility? You know, almost like a coach, like I was trying to coach myself, or like a scouting report."
Now, he tries to enjoy the game for what it is, without the stress on his shoulders.
"It's been a fun adjustment to not have to get sweaty palms when a guy comes up in a big situation thinking it should be you or it could have been you, and just enjoy it for what it is, and just become a fan of the game again," Pillar said.
Of course, Pillar is also thrilled to be getting back in the box on Saturday. He can't wait to swing the bat again and go up against former teammates and opponents from around the league. He's not planning on making any more highlight-reel catches like the ones he became known for, but he's not ruling it out, either.
"I mean, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if I lay out tomorrow," Pillar said with a laugh. "I'm not going to go in with this mindset that I'm going to do it, but damn, if there's an opportunity for me to go out there and make a play, it might be one of those out of body experiences. It might just happen."