Gray's late father lives on 'forever in his heart'

This story was excerpted from John Denton's Cardinals Beat newsletter. To read the full newsletter, click here. And subscribe to get it regularly in your inbox.

MILWAUKEE -- Last Sunday night, after the Cardinals had wrapped up their home series against the Dodgers and the family had finished dinner, Sonny Gray and his son Declan were in the backyard of his suburban St. Louis home playing catch before being joined by an unexpected visitor.

When a bright red cardinal darted through the air, landed in a nearby tree and then repeated the route while circling overhead, Sonny had chills run down his spine and felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck. A tear or two might have filled his eyes, too, because of the surreal nature of the scene playing out a week before Father’s Day.

In some beliefs, seeing a cardinal can be interpreted as a message from a loved one who has passed away. It's often seen as a sign of their presence or a reminder of their love and support. To the older Gray, it was a reminder that his late father, Jesse Gray, was still very much a presence in his life and in the lives of his sons, 10-year-old Gunnar and six-year-old Declan. Fittingly, the appearance of the playful redbird came during a father-and-son game of catch in the backyard.

“This is me talking to my dad in my head, and I was like, ‘I see you, I see you watching over us, Dad,’” Gray recalled. ”I got chills at the time and I get chills now.

“That’s my way of talking to [my dad], right? Seeing that cardinal and thinking of him. To me, that bird was him watching us and it made me realize that playing catch -- like, that was literally what I did with my dad. It felt like he was watching me play catch with my son the same way I did with him years ago.”

Gray, the ace of the Cardinals pitching staff, will be away from his boys on this Father’s Day -- as they are back in St. Louis playing in their own youth baseball games -- but it’s a rarity for them to be too far apart. Gunnar and Declan are fixtures around the Cardinals clubhouse, and they can usually be found before and after Cardinals games playing catch with dad, trying to strike each other out in the batting cages or talking smack with Cardinals’ outfielder Lars Nootbaar.

“Sonny’s boys are here the most and they’re really fun to have around, they bring a good light to us, and they energize us,” said Nootbaar, who was sitting at Gray’s dressing stall last week, talking to Gunnar and Declan. “When I ask Sonny about his kids, you can see his eyes light up because he loves talking about them. This game is tough on families, so for him to be able to bring the boys here, it makes it easier on Sonny. They’re good kids.”

For Gray, the near-constant presence of Gunnar and Declan is salve that helps heal the enduring wound of losing his own father on Aug. 26, 2004, when he passed away in a two-vehicle accident just south of Nashville, Tenn. Sonny was just 14 years old. To this day, Gray still writes “Dad” on the brim of his hats and Gunnar’s middle name is Carmack -- the same as Jesse’s.

Gray played a high school football game that night, and not only threw a 75-yard touchdown on the game’s first play, but also accounted for all four scores in Smyrna High School’s 28-6 win. When Gray’s boys ask about their grandfather, Sonny tells them stories of how athletic Jesse was and about how much he loved sports.

“Everybody always told me that [Jesse] was the best athlete they had ever seen,” said Gray, who has a ceramic cardinal and a placard that reads “Forever in your heart, a loved one so dear. A cardinal reminds us an angel is near” in his locker at Busch Stadium. “He grew up in a small town north of Nashville, and played football, baseball and basketball. And when I was younger, he was still playing competitive softball. Whether I was playing, or he was playing, we’d be at the fields first thing Saturday morning until the last game. So, I have a lot of great memories. He was a great coach, a really great coach.”

Gray says he can still feel the presence of his dad while taking care of his sons. He wants to be in the lives of Gunnar and Declan as much as possible, whether that’s playing catch in the backyard or having them in the Cardinals’ clubhouse.

“Now, with boys of my own, I talk to my dad with my actions,” said Gray, who often listens to the song “A Horse with No Name” by the folk-rock group America on his ride into Busch Stadium because that was his father’s favorite tune. “I’m not verbally communicating with my dad, but he is still a part of me, and he comes out in me all the time with the way I am and the way I teach my kids. That’s all him.”